i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
