Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Randomize
