We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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