He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
