We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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