I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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