chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I am naked and annoyed.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
