Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
