my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
3pm strippers are depressing
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
