Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
