did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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