At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
