i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
