I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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