fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
