I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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