My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
