He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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