New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
