and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
