My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
that may or may not have been my penis.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
