god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
