Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
