So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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