i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
