Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
