Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
