he thought i was a dude.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
