well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
