mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
