He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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