Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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