The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
