We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
