dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
