I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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