I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
