Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Randomize
