Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
