She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
