I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
