i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
