im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize