i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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