Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I have already put on my inside pants.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
