On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
