12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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