Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
