New invention idea: vibrating tampons
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
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