My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
