Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
