She is in my trunk
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
